he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
