Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
