too bad you live with your parents still
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
