oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
