I think my fart just growled at me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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