Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Randomize
