There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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