im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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