My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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