when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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