I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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