Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
