Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize