i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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