Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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