It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
