Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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