I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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