since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
