I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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