for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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