so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
