this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
