John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
