I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm too high and old for this...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
