The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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