I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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