He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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