I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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