your thong is hanging out like whoa
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
