Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
