What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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