with your own penis?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
