glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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