im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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