Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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