roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
