My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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