in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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