she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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