i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
pray to the hookup gods
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
