i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
wow bdsm is so cute
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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