I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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