You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
