Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
