So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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