He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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