Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize