I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
