Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
