I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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