i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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