I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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