Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just found a bag of teeth...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
