Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
