So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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