That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Randomize
