Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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