I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
