omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
