the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm having to shit out rocks
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
