When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
