There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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