Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
