why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
